And she dialed his number again today, already half expecting it may go unanswered again. This has become the norm recently. Well, in all fairness may be he is actually very busy. She knew that the world has changed and life has become busy for people trying hard to make a decent living. Still, answering one phone call a week cannot take much of his time! Gosh! She is back to complaining. She needs to try harder. Guess tomorrow will be a new day. She will try again. She held a pretty tight leash on her mind almost all the time. But sometimes she just couldn’t help it. She missed him! He was her only son. Given the chronic illness and a cranky old husband, she had a lot of time at hand. So no one could have blamed her if sometimes she let her mind drift towards trying to understand the real reasons behind her son not making an effort to be in touch with them.
Was him being busy at work all that there is to it? If not then why? It’s not like she has been a bad mother or that she has not loved him enough, and she does make sure every time she is able to steal a conversation with him to tell him how much she loves him. Then how could this be happening to her? Why her?
“My phone is ringing, but where is it? There, next to the laptop. Oh, its mom again. Wonder why is she calling me now. What should I talk to her! I think I am busy right now. At least she should try to understand it. I will try calling her back later. But we have just spoken so recently. And there is hardly anything there to discuss. I hate going “What else!” over and over again with anyone.”
He goes back to working. Five minutes later he gets up for a coffee break.
He is getting another call. This time it is his wife. He just got married last year. He tells her that his mom just called and that he did not pick up. Most probably the wife just went silent to it. No comments. She is still taking her time understanding the family dynamics without, if that is possible, being judgmental. They talk for 10 minutes before he returns back to his desk. He likes talking to his wife a few times a day. It calms him. He likes to know everything is fine.
Dad is calling. He is thinking of picking it up this time. Its been days since the last call home though he is not sure how many exactly. It’s a serious matter. His dad says mom is not doing well since a few days and that now he is planning to shift her to a hospital. Naturally he is upset. But he is struggling to imagine the extent of it. His mom has been in bad shape for a very long time and the family has learned to live with it. Any bad news in the past has not been bad enough to cause major concern. She always manages to get back home. He takes the matter in and hangs up. He then opens his laptop to buy tickets for two to travel back home to see his mom.
When they reach home they directly go to the hospital. He can see certain signs that this time it may be a tough call. The moment this thought crosses his mind, he tries to push it back and imagine believing in what he has come to know over the years – she always comes back.
She could not survive. He is trying his best to let it not affect him as much as it has the potential to. He is in constant fear that his thoughts may over power him anytime. He bends down to kiss his mom his last goodbye. When he gets near her, she is strangely smelling of mint. Why? But she has left and never coming back.
When he gets back home and goes to her bed where his mom lay for the last 15 years, he found the atmosphere strangely comforting. It smelled of her. It felt like anytime he will hear her calling him. And there he saw were marshmallows on the bed side. When he was a kid, whenever he and his mom went out shopping or running errands, they made sure to treat themselves with marshmallows as a sign of fun they had from spending time together and they made sure they never told dad about it.
When his dad came in to check on him, he asked about the marshmallows. His dad told him the last conscious demand that she made from him is the reason why they were there. She had some, smiled and then after a while went unconscious. It dawned on him, the mint!
It was a long time before he took a breath in.
She was gone forever. And managed to label it as a fun time spent together. For him. Only him.
How do you get over something like that? It is worse than an actual ghost haunting you. You still hope to get rid of the ghost somehow. How do you ever get rid of this? Is it guilt that causes it? That if he cared enough to pick one of her calls, they could have had their last conversation. I would hate to label it as guilt as it assumes him as the culprit. Things have been tough for him too. Then what can it be? How could she do this to him? Didn’t she know that he is the one who is going to live the rest of his life feeling the pain? Why did she choose it for him? Wasn’t she the mature one incapable of choosing difficulties his way?
I do not know. And I am thinking of pushing this thought until later, later when I am more ready. I think I will only really know when I will be ordering my own last marshmallow.
Life, love, this and that 